This Year / Next Year

I am sick to death of dating. Emotionally, I am unable to handle it at this point in my life. As if relationships weren’t hard enough, having Herpes definitely doesn’t make the load any lighter.

Yesterday evening I was hanging around with a guy I’ve been recently seeing, after knowing him for three years now. After getting lost in the moment, I knew that it was coming up to the time that I had to say something about my STD. So after breaking away and starting with “there’s something I really need you to know and it’s really difficult for me to say” etctce, I broke the news to him. Never in a split second have I seen someone’s face change so dramatically. After an awkward pause of silence, he tells me that it’s okay and that it doesn’t change things, before half-heartedly making out with me to cover the damage of the situation. A while after leaving, I send him a couple of texts about my evening and carry on celebrating a friend’s birthday.

The next morning, I wake up hungover and texting my guy about the pain I was in. A few hours later and no response. A few hours more, and he’s definitely ignoring me.

I’ve come to the realisation that it’s important to be sensible and to let parters know about what I have, unlike someone who didn’t tell me of the condition, however- what sucks more than anything in the world is a negative reaction to the news. Just for the record, I have nothing against someone who doesn’t want a physical relationship with an “infected” partner. It’s totally understandable. But, what I can’t stress enough is the sheer embarrassment and strength it takes to tell someone something that personal, to be told that “it’s okay and that it doesn’t change a thing”, to then being ignored. If it’s a problem and an obvious deal breaker, I want to know. I can’t handle being left in a grey area about the situation. It takes more balls to tell someone you have Herpes, than for them to say it’s an issue.

I have never knowingly infected someone and I feel like I’m being treated like crap for being up front and honest my personal issues. Being sensible never feels like the right thing to do.

So with that, I’m giving up on dating. It seems near impossible to find a nice, decent guy who is willing to accept you regardless of the situation- rather than fucking imbeciles who think it’s easier to ignore the problem, which is a heart wrenching issue for some of us.

I hate Herpes.

Life’s a happy song.

Everything’s pretty good! I’m currently four days away from finishing education FOR GOOD. Although it’ll be weird not studying any more, I’ll be happy to focus my entire time on rolling in cash and hanging with friends.

Also I’ve come to the realisation that I’m the only one out of my friends who is single. Upon hearing this I was initially bummed as I was always the one who was attached. So I guess it’s true. Good things do come to those who wait.

And I am so happy for all my friends!

My days of teen angst are far, far behind me- but this calls for a night of drinking cut price vodka and listening to songs that I’ve misinterpreted.

This time last year, I was just starting a pretty good relationship, with a semi-decent guy, I weighed a lot less and I was still strong with my best friend. As imagined, things are a lot different this year. I’m single, my self esteem has dropped significantly and my best friend has fucked off with an alcoholic, over twice her age.

I’ve only got a month left to work and then I have to declare myself unemployed. I decided to take a film degree, with no real purpose and therefor no real job.

What I need now is a pack of beers and some good friends to hang with.

Fuck it all.

I’ve had it with relationships. Everything from sexual to romantic relationships, to whatever else the fuck there is. I don’t understand them.

Maybe it’s me. I can understand that it may be me, as dating with an STD isn’t ideal, but still. In the past month I’ve gone through what feels like Hell and back.

01. My ex-boyfriend is a total fucking moron. He cheats on me with a fucking eighteen year old bar maid, while I’m working out of the country. Still to date, he’s still giving me the most amount of hassle ever.

02. Nice boy with a job. Fooled around with me several times after not caring about the STD, but has since stopped all contact, even when I run into him about town and in pub smoking areas, claiming that he’s too high or drunk to be a fucking human being.

03. Meet another nice guy, models part time and sells merch for a band, while at university also. JACKASS. Has a girlfriend, who he doesn’t mention anything about (only a little FB stalk later I find out).

How the HELL do you meet nice guys? Who don’t have girlfriends and who aren’t total arseholes. Fuck this, I’m calling five months of celibacy.

Jesus Christ, pull yourself together humanity.

Fuck this, I want a boyfriend.

My ex-boyfriends aren’t evil (one maybe…), but I’m face-to-face with a Scott Pilgrim poster so here we are.

Is it just me who can’t remember ex-boyfriend’s voices? I’ve been tracing videos on Facebook today of them and they all sound completely different to how I remember them.

I’m going through a man rage at the minute. The current boy who I was seeing turned out to be not what I expected. I somehow manage to run into him everywhere, each time more painful and awkward. I’ve made a habit of stopping and talking to stay on good terms, but it’s hard. I feel like I make an idiot of myself by trying to be cute and charming whenever I see him. I hate men and the ideals of dependancy on them.

Dating sucks.

Last year I wrote

So, in order to compare this year and next year, here are my stats as of now.

• I smoke
• I drink a lot
• I do drugs
• I’ve got STI’s
• I haven’t got a boyfriend
• I’m getting 2.1 in my studies (film and history of art)
• I weigh 14 stone
• My hair is shoulder length
• I have depression
• I don’t know what to do with my life

And so now to welcome in 2012, I thought I’d compare.

Feeling lonely is perhaps one of my least favourite emotions. I can’t remember who once said it, but someone once said something along the lines of “I feel more lonely around people than by myself”. I can understand this.

I am currently living with two housemates and constantly feeling lonely. I think this is due to knowing I have people around, but I’m not with them due to their interest in working in solitude for university. I completely understand this, but I work differently to them and so most of the day I’ve been sitting around by myself. Since recovering from depression, I came to realise that my problem was that I am a sociable people and I need social recognition from others around me. Bluntly, I am not getting this and it’s no one’s fault.

Another reason I am feeling lonely is because I have since started another long distance relationship. This time it’s harder because I’m used to spending time with my current boyfriend when I’m home in London. Now I’m away from home studying, I simply miss the contact and comfort I get with him. I also feel guilty for being away from him and taking away the opportunity for him to be with someone in closer quarters.

I’m happy, but today I’m lonely. I know I’m not alone, as ironically everyone gets lonely, so surely there’s a sense of unity- unfortunately we’re not together when we feel this way.

I get asked what I want to do after university a lot, especially with studying film. Truth is, I don’t know what I want to do. Of course I have ideas, but nothing close enough to call a life or career plan. 

The only thing I know is that I don’t want to wear a suit. They depress me and the last thing that I want to be when I grow up is depressed.